ON PAPER: "NOT A GAME; PRACTICE"
ENTRY No. 3
it took me so long to perfect riding a two wheeler. between my dad and my grandad investing their time and energy in this cause, i only seemed to disappoint both of them with my daily failures. i was falling constantly, and could not hold my balance. when i finally got it right, i realized it was because i kept looking down and not ahead. looking ahead kept me focused on movement rather than failure. i felt like a weight had finally been lifted when i was able to do it without help, but i still remember feeling like a failure every time it felt like i could not get it right. it hasn’t been till my adulthood that i’m realizing that failure is a part of the process.
process leads to progress, and progress comes through practice. the bigger picture is that i feel like that’s what life really is, practice.
— practice (verb): to exercise a skill in order to improve or maintain one’s proficiency
in my bike riding days, one thing that kept me so disappointed about falling all the time was the idea that i was letting my teachers down. i inflicted a pressure on myself that was way more than necessary. because i was overemphasizing my mistakes, i wasn’t giving myself the necessary grace to just be. when i was able to ride effectively, and even in watching other bikers ride, i see and feel a flow state. i realize that that is what it looks like to just be. i know now that this is all that life is asking of me, not to be perfect, but to just be.
this year alone, life threw so many situations at me that i could not understand. there were moments were dilemmas seemed unavoidable, and my response was to retreat. in this pause though, i was reminded of all the information i gained in these situations; information i could have overlooked had i not experienced it firsthand. all of these situations held up mirrors for something i need to learn, heal, or grow through, and none of these dilemmas caused me or anyone unrepairable harm. with this in mind, i know now that i can slowly relinquish the fear of failure or embarrassment, because life means no ill will towards me. i know that i am here to learn, and that learning is the path to “better,” and the bike for this path is, practice.
— better (adjective): of a more excellent or effective type of quality
every day we’re given is an opportunity to practice being. we’re taught the idea that practice makes perfect, but what’s missed in that sentiment is that practice makes progress. in my perspective, the only tangible form of perfection we have is improvement. at best, we can become better, and to me “better” is better than perfect.
the conflict is that from an early age we’re conditioned to perform. from our parents to our peers, everyone is either molding us or expecting us to perform, and we’re all performing this unreachable goal of perfection. we tend to not grow out of it, because our society keeps us in performance mode at all times, looking at our school performance, job performance, and even our social performance. have we, have i even, ever stopped to question — “am i performing right now? what am i performing? why am i performing? who am i performing for? are you performing too?”
this kind of living is a road to frenzy, burnout, and a lack of health. why are we programmed to pretend to be what we can’t be? a sobering realization i had after ruminating through all these thoughts on my own, was that i could take so much pressure off of my shoulders if i lived with the mindset that this is all practice. not a strive for perfection, not a performance, “not a game; we talkin’ bout practice..” as AI would say.
