Thank you for joining me here. This space is designed with you in mind, as a deeper look into my inner world. Usually, I’m quick to protect my space, (and I still will) but I might be at a point where I’m realizing I can only hold on to so much by myself. It might be time to let some things go, and in this case, that looks like sharing.
I feel that I’ve spent a major portion of my life being hidden in plain sight. Whether I was doing the hiding intentionally, unintentionally, or subconsciously, those have all been interchangeable. I’m an introverted (INFP gang) only child. This basically means that my imagination is my reality, and sometimes I visit regular earth. I spent a lot of my childhood daydreaming, writing stories, and memorizing the way colors and sounds made me feel, but I hardly shared this with any one, because I often felt like I had to make special efforts to relate to other kids.
At it’s best it looked like checking out things I probably wouldn’t have otherwise been into naturally, but ultimately enjoying— like professional wrestling. (I still get goosebumps when i hear “IF YA SMELLL..” or the shattering glass of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance music.) At it’s worst, it looked like lying to feel included. There were so many things my childhood friends were up on that I wasn’t in real time, mostly because I grew up in a very Christian household. I wouldn’t describe it as strict or oppressive, but things like going to the movies, or having access to non-Christian music at home, weren’t a natural part of the ecosystem. On top of that, the school I went to was very private, and the neighborhood I moved to at 5 years old felt secluded from the epicenters of energy in Brooklyn, New York off in the distance. Once I grew slightly older and figured out how to access music, and music videos on my own, it opened new chambers for my inner world, but I always indulged in secret. I always kept my interests at hushed volumes, or with the remote in hand so that I could quickly change channels in case something I could be questioned or reprimanded on came up. I was always finding new ways to hide.
Another reason to stay hidden was for protection. I often couldn’t relate to other boys because I didn’t play rough or play sports. Physically, I was always told that my body, which at this time would ever so often be ailed with pains of sickle cell disease, couldn’t handle those kinds of activities. I often had to sit out basketball games, football games, races, or any field day activities by playing audience, cheerleader, or referee. While this was more than an understandable reason to stay on the sidelines, I knew my role, yet still craved the feeling of normalcy. What could it feel like to not have limitations on my body, and ultimately my mind?
This conditioning of fear and hiding would not be something I’d grow out of as easily as my school clothes. Literally, as I write this at the age of 29, I still find ways to hide, not necessarily out of will, but out of habit. Hiding feels familiar, and possibly as normal as the normalcy I perceived others having. My body and mind know how to get in formation when it comes to resisting adventure by constantly seeking permission. I may not ask for it, but I often feel my internal hands go out to ask “please?” Instead of bringing them into accept the “yes” or “no” that’s already in there. It hasn’t been until the most recent years of my life that I’ve realized, and have slowly begun to accept that whatever I was looking for to grant me protection or permission has been inside me all along. I’ve always had some sense of distinguishing the differences between divine rest, and divine disturbance- and knowing which direction each would pull me in. Thanks to listening to the inclinations to go within more, finding supportive community, breathwork, talk therapy, and connecting with nature, I know now that I can practice reframing and reconditioning my mind to give myself permission.
I know now, that I don’t have to hide out of habit, when I know that there is so much within me to be seen. The light, the shadows, it’s all a part of a greater image that isn’t just for me to see in secret. Starting this newsletter, and all the things that come with it is a part of that journey. So yeah, as cliche as it feels to say, if you’ve read this far, I am grateful for you. If you’ve fallen off somewhere along the way, no love lost. either way, no matter how long you stay, I’m glad you’re here.
Now that I’ve bared my entire soul, here are some housekeeping notes about this space. “On Paper” is an intuitively crafted and shared newsletter of thoughts, musings, and downloads. I will share here with care, and I hope it’s received with care as well. In addition, here are some creative things I’ve been up to.
"How do I choose the best light for my photos?" - I was recently in conversation with friend & fellow photographer, Aundre Larrow discussing all things photography, how we light our photos, and being Jamaican. Feel free to hit the link to give it a watch!
"Old New Love" by Tan Brown & So Lo - NPR Tiny Desk Submission - My friend, Tan Brown, recently tapped me to film her performance of “Old New Love” for NPR’s Tiny Desk. Filming this was somewhat new territory for me, but a blast to work on from start to finish. Also, this song is amazing and definitely worth checking out!
COLOR TV RADIO - “COLOR TV RADIO” is a concept I’ve been dreaming up for years, and finally began in January 2021. It’s a celebration of my love for music, and an exploration of my musical DNA. I’ve been curating playlists as musical libraries as a passion, and through this vehicle, I’m putting that acquired knowledge to the test in the form of mixes. I’m no DJ (yet?) but consider this my 5000 hour training. This is a link to the most recent episode “DANCE SOIREE,” which is a mix of disco + post-disco funk jams. It’s a fun listen, if I do say so myself.
RELATIONSHIP INSURANCE - My friends, Dondre Green, Andrew White, and myself co-host a podcast exploring relationships, dating, and everything in between. We recently launched our third season with a brand new episode that can be heard through this link.
Again, thanks for taking some time out to take a peak into my space. If you like it here, I’d love to hear from you! Till next time, take care.
Curt.
👏🏽✨ thank you for sharing this space and being so vulnerable! Loved reading all of this, and looking forward to seeing what more you’re led to let us see!